1
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:28,769
Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you once more, isn't it, Ronnie?

2
00:00:28,770 --> 00:00:32,368
Yes, indeed it is. And in a packed
programme tonight, we shall be talking

3
00:00:32,369 --> 00:00:34,899
distraught golly who says his career is
in shreds.

4
00:00:37,210 --> 00:00:41,269
Also a slimming expert who's devised the
G -Plan diet, where you get so hungry

5
00:00:41,270 --> 00:00:42,350
you eat the furniture.

6
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:48,529
And we'll be meeting a farmer who keeps
his black bull looking young by using

7
00:00:48,530 --> 00:00:49,580
Frisian 2000.

8
00:00:51,810 --> 00:00:52,990
But first, the news.

9
00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:57,439
The woman who was squatted with her
husband in Buckingham Palace while the

10
00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:01,699
was away was put on probation today. The
judge said this was a tragic case since

11
00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:05,130
the poor, deluded woman already had a
perfectly nice home of her own.

12
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:06,820
Number 10, Downing Street.

13
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:14,879
British Airways announced today that
they are working on a plan to give all

14
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their passengers window seats so
everybody can watch their luggage being

15
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,050
onto another plane.

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00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:27,979
Unveiled today at the Tate Gallery was
David Hockney's latest masterpiece,

17
00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:29,030
Life with Potato.

18
00:01:29,140 --> 00:01:32,090
It's so realistic that the eyes follow
you around the room.

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00:01:34,740 --> 00:01:40,379
There were complaints today that the
Upper Tidlington Meals on Wheels service

20
00:01:40,380 --> 00:01:43,390
has now had more breakdowns than
anybody's had hot dinners.

21
00:01:46,180 --> 00:01:50,260
Agatha Snodglass, known as the most
repulsive woman between London and

22
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,590
has at last received official
recognition.

23
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:56,230
She appears on this year's AA map as the
biggest turn -off on the M1.

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00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:03,699
Finally, there was a steward's inquiry
after the Irish 10 ,000 guineas today

25
00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:06,700
when the horse that won the race lost
the action replay.

26
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,700
But now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, a man who doesn't need a

27
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,420
he jumps into the pop -up toaster.

28
00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:24,499
Oh, hello, Bert. Oh, Charlie. What can I
have for you? That's very kind of you.

29
00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:27,779
I'll have a pint of... What, a pint of
light? No, a pint of... A pint of brown?

30
00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:30,939
No, a pint... A pint of mardy? What? No,
a... A pint of bitter, is it? A pint of

31
00:02:30,940 --> 00:02:33,759
bitter, yeah. A pint of bitter. A pint
of bitter, Alan, will you?

32
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,499
So how are you? I haven't seen you up in
the factory lately, then. Well, you've

33
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:39,659
been almost sick, have you? What? No,
no, I chucked it in, didn't I? Oh, did

34
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:43,739
you? Oh, yeah, chucked it in. Well, they
want me to change my... What, change

35
00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:44,319
your hours?

36
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,679
No, change my... Change your what?
Change your habits?

37
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,100
No, change my... Change your socks more
often.

38
00:02:49,101 --> 00:02:53,339
change my duties, didn't they? Oh,
change your duties.

39
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:56,599
Yeah, they want me to change... Oh,
thanks, Alan, yeah. Cheers, all the

40
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:58,080
Cheers. Oh, dear.

41
00:02:58,081 --> 00:03:00,939
They want me to change my duties. Well,
I didn't want to do that, did I? I've

42
00:03:00,940 --> 00:03:03,839
got a very good job there, you know.
I've got a very, very cushy number.

43
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,859
Well, exactly what's your job there,
then? Well, the same job as I have for

44
00:03:06,860 --> 00:03:08,240
years, wasn't it? Is it? Yes.

45
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,660
I always work with, um... With pride?

46
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,580
No, with, um... Within reason. No, no.

47
00:03:14,580 --> 00:03:16,400
With your overcoat on. No.

48
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:18,860
With Harry Hawkins, didn't I?

49
00:03:20,881 --> 00:03:22,809
Hawkins, always.

50
00:03:22,810 --> 00:03:27,490
He used to give me his, um, what, his
old -hearted support, didn't he?

51
00:03:27,730 --> 00:03:30,110
He used to give me his, um... His
athletic support.

52
00:03:31,910 --> 00:03:33,130
No, his ginger nuts.

53
00:03:34,970 --> 00:03:38,770
Nice, yeah, yeah. He used to give me his
ginger nuts, and I used to dip him,

54
00:03:38,890 --> 00:03:40,210
uh... Dip him in his tea for him.

55
00:03:40,211 --> 00:03:44,279
to dip them in the chocolate, didn't we?
Oh, chocolate. Oh, that was the job,

56
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,259
was it? That was the job. Oh, I see.
Yeah, that was the job. Yeah, Harry

57
00:03:47,260 --> 00:03:51,120
and I were the two who made all the
chocolate ginger nuts. Oh, didn't I?

58
00:03:51,121 --> 00:03:54,479
that was our job. Then they realised, or
they decided, they didn't realise,

59
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,579
actually, they decided a woman could do
the job as well. Oh, yeah. So, of

60
00:03:57,580 --> 00:03:59,620
course, then they put me on... Short
time?

61
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,480
No, on... Short cake?

62
00:04:02,060 --> 00:04:03,110
No,

63
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,680
on sherbet fountains.

64
00:04:04,681 --> 00:04:09,589
I mean, on all the sherbet fountains.
Now, that is a real messy job, because

65
00:04:09,590 --> 00:04:11,090
that sherbet gets everywhere.

66
00:04:11,091 --> 00:04:14,709
You know, yes. I mean, you strip off and
then find you've got a coating of

67
00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:16,829
sherbet all over the... All over the
weekend.

68
00:04:17,089 --> 00:04:22,129
Yeah, that's... No, and the wife don't
like it, you see. Oh, that makes it

69
00:04:22,130 --> 00:04:24,300
worse, because you can't even... No,
exactly.

70
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:32,089
Well, this woman decides that she cannot
work with Harry Hawkins. She doesn't

71
00:04:32,090 --> 00:04:34,150
like his way... His ginger nuts.

72
00:04:35,190 --> 00:04:36,240
His machinery.

73
00:04:36,390 --> 00:04:37,440
Oh, his machinery.

74
00:04:37,450 --> 00:04:44,169
She doesn't like the way he handles his
machinery. She thinks he's...

75
00:04:44,170 --> 00:04:45,490
Nuts. No.

76
00:04:46,710 --> 00:04:48,850
No, no, she thinks he's... What, ginger?

77
00:04:48,851 --> 00:04:50,129
Yeah!

78
00:04:50,130 --> 00:04:53,740
She thinks he's incompetent. Oh,
incompetent, yeah. That's even worse,

79
00:04:53,741 --> 00:04:54,469
That is right.

80
00:04:54,470 --> 00:04:59,299
Yeah. So you went back and started
working with him again, did you? No, no,

81
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:00,350
started completely.

82
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:05,119
I went back home and discovered the wife
was up... Up to her knees in

83
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:06,170
Sherbrooke.

84
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:13,100
No, no, discovered the wife was up... Up
to her old tricks with a milkman.

85
00:05:13,101 --> 00:05:17,739
No, no, discovered the wife was up her
mother, did you see? Oh, up her mother,

86
00:05:17,740 --> 00:05:18,790
yeah, yeah.

87
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,730
So I thought to myself, I thought, go
down to Jobcentre, I thought. Oh, yeah.

88
00:05:22,940 --> 00:05:26,900
Because if you want a really decent job,
that is the place to steer clear of.

89
00:05:29,180 --> 00:05:32,800
Now, come on, be fair. Some of them are
very nice. These jobs are very good.

90
00:05:32,801 --> 00:05:35,399
Now, my brother went to one for a job as
a removal man.

91
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:39,010
Yeah. And within a week, they'd already
given him a fortnight's holiday.

92
00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:42,990
No, they'd given him... His own set of
teachers?

93
00:05:43,980 --> 00:05:46,200
Oh, given him a hernia. Oh, no.

94
00:05:46,201 --> 00:05:52,029
Anyway, this is a very... It's quite
interesting, this place. I walked into

95
00:05:52,030 --> 00:05:54,370
this... Yeah. I walked into this job
centre. Yeah.

96
00:05:54,930 --> 00:05:57,330
And there is this girl... Yeah.

97
00:05:57,331 --> 00:05:58,629
...behind the grill.

98
00:05:58,630 --> 00:06:00,970
Yeah. You see, filing... Filing an
answer.

99
00:06:03,150 --> 00:06:05,620
Filing... What, filing the bars, trying
to get out?

100
00:06:06,330 --> 00:06:10,589
No, filing these jobs, you see. Oh,
yeah, yeah. In the folders, you see what

101
00:06:10,590 --> 00:06:11,549
mean? Yeah, yeah.

102
00:06:11,550 --> 00:06:14,449
And she's sitting there. She's a very
nice girl, man. Yeah. You know, a big

103
00:06:14,450 --> 00:06:15,770
girl. Oh, yeah, yeah.

104
00:06:18,780 --> 00:06:21,070
She's got these two... Yes, I'll get the
picture.

105
00:06:22,260 --> 00:06:23,980
Either side.

106
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:25,840
Well, they would be, obviously.

107
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:31,220
And I asked about the job, and these
two... Yeah, I know. They sprang up.

108
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:38,960
They sprang up? How was that? Well, they
don't know. Just a natural excitement,

109
00:06:39,060 --> 00:06:40,110
I suppose.

110
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,480
Then they came towards me. Did they
really?

111
00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:50,250
And then I... I asked about the job, and
these two, um, what do you call them,

112
00:06:50,290 --> 00:06:53,350
two, uh... Clarks. Oh, Clarks. Oh,
Clarks.

113
00:06:53,990 --> 00:06:55,630
I got the wrong picture entirely.

114
00:06:56,490 --> 00:07:00,450
I was barking up the wrong, you know.
Oh, right, yeah, well, I thought you

115
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:05,049
I'm glad enough, yes. Anyway, these two
fellas, these two Clarks, they said,

116
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:08,509
they said, they said, now wait a minute,
they said, just like that, let me

117
00:07:08,510 --> 00:07:12,229
handle this, they said. Oh, yeah.
Because apparently she was a trainee,

118
00:07:12,230 --> 00:07:14,409
Oh, yeah. And she just got off the,
um... Off the train.

119
00:07:14,410 --> 00:07:15,460
No.

120
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:20,699
Off the course. Oh, of course, of
course, of course. They say, we have a

121
00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:23,140
that may very well suit you. Oh, yeah.
You see?

122
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:27,480
They say, we want someone who's with
short... Short what? Short legs? No, no,

123
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:28,880
short... Short shirts?

124
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,290
No, no, no, no.

125
00:07:30,380 --> 00:07:31,460
Short... Short cummins?

126
00:07:31,461 --> 00:07:32,679
No, no, no.

127
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:33,730
Do you mind, please?

128
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:35,490
No,

129
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:38,050
they want someone with short -handed
typing. Oh!

130
00:07:38,051 --> 00:07:44,339
They want someone with short hands. They
want someone with short hands because

131
00:07:44,340 --> 00:07:45,720
they... They're short -handed.

132
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,540
They don't understand.

133
00:07:47,541 --> 00:07:48,599
Oh, well, yes.

134
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,919
And the labour exchange is another
place, you see. Now, I don't have short

135
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,519
hands, and actually I didn't get the
job, did I? So you're out of work still,

136
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,319
are you? Oh, no, I took a job. They had
one job available. I took that. Oh, go

137
00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,879
on. What was that then? Well, I got this
job with the sweet... With the sweet

138
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,400
factory again? No, no, no.

139
00:08:01,401 --> 00:08:04,239
I got this job in the city with the
sweet... What, with the sweet smell of

140
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:05,290
success?

141
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,870
Hardly. I'm in charge of the gen...
Waterloo Station.

142
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:19,959
The lyric of Elaine's song this week
started its days as a poem in Life

143
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:24,319
magazine. It was later set to music by
the great Hoagy Carmichael. Here it is

144
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,160
then, sung by our special guest.

145
00:08:26,460 --> 00:08:28,580
I get along without you very well.

146
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:57,620
I get along without you very well.

147
00:08:59,660 --> 00:09:01,920
Of course I do.

148
00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:11,560
Except when soft rain falls and drips
from leaves,

149
00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:17,780
then I recall the thrill of being
shared.

150
00:09:51,850 --> 00:09:58,270
to hear your name or someone's laugh
that is the same

151
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:33,899
Should I fall once more? No, it's best

152
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,920
that I stay.

153
00:10:56,810 --> 00:11:03,249
perhaps in spring but I should never
think of spring

154
00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:08,070
for that would sure

155
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:02,179
My name is Lucifer Hornsby, and I am the
Grand High Wizard of the Emetic Order

156
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:03,230
of the Golden Rivet.

157
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:06,170
Hendon Branch.

158
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:08,520
And this is me out of uniform.

159
00:12:12,740 --> 00:12:13,790
Thank you.

160
00:12:16,780 --> 00:12:19,620
In our secret order, we swear three
sacred vows.

161
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:24,219
Not to reveal to any man the secret of
the Golden Rivet, to practice absolute

162
00:12:24,220 --> 00:12:26,060
chastity on Thursday.

163
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,510
sound this duck quacker every minute
until 1999.

164
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:34,340
I am, in fact, a witch.

165
00:12:35,140 --> 00:12:36,340
Warlocks, I hear you cry.

166
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,400
And you're quite right.

167
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:43,219
Now, this chart here, this was drawn up
in the 16th century by the great mafia

168
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:44,800
prophet, Lacosa Nostradamus.

169
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:51,619
He laid down, which he often did, except
on Thursdays, of course, a high wizard

170
00:12:51,620 --> 00:12:54,360
must be born under either Castor or
Pollux.

171
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:57,700
Now, which is my sign?

172
00:12:58,220 --> 00:12:59,420
Yes, you're right again.

173
00:13:00,220 --> 00:13:04,119
Last night I was scanning the heavens
through our washing line and I noticed

174
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:08,459
Venus was on the cusp of Mercury and
Pisces was in trine with my wife, Purple

175
00:13:08,460 --> 00:13:13,059
Bloomers. What does this forebode? Well,
tonight I hope to get Pisces with Venus

176
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:14,500
rising and Bloomers falling.

177
00:13:15,820 --> 00:13:17,940
But it's not Thursday, so tally -ho.

178
00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:24,279
What about magic potions? Here, seething
in this pot, is the aphrodisiac of

179
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,320
Mandragola, the most powerful love
filter known to man.

180
00:13:27,321 --> 00:13:28,739
And to women.

181
00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:29,790
And to others.

182
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:39,020
It is now being stirred up a bit by my
apprentice, Miss Exotica Stormtrooper.

183
00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:42,100
As indeed I am.

184
00:13:58,440 --> 00:13:59,490
for this love potion.

185
00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:01,080
Have you a pencil and paper?

186
00:14:01,380 --> 00:14:02,760
Well, you put those in first.

187
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:10,039
Also, a pint of milk, half a cup of
flour, three dried prunes, and the

188
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:14,619
chitterlings of an albino warthog
collected by full moon in Market Harbour

189
00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:18,780
there's a K in a month by a virgin who's
a member of the STP.

190
00:14:26,350 --> 00:14:27,950
Can I find a member of the STP?

191
00:14:31,130 --> 00:14:37,150
So, if you find this last item tricky,
an oxo -cube will do just as well.

192
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:42,890
Now, any man who drinks this potion
becomes sexually irresistible.

193
00:14:45,830 --> 00:14:47,510
There. Told you so.

194
00:14:49,370 --> 00:14:53,309
I am not allowed to reveal any of the
secrets of the golden rivet. If I do, my

195
00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:57,209
head will be cut from my body and kept
for... all time in a box labelled

196
00:14:57,210 --> 00:14:58,260
canned peaches.

197
00:14:58,410 --> 00:15:03,289
But I will say this. Our secrets come
from decoding Egyptian hieroglyphics.

198
00:15:03,290 --> 00:15:04,340
me show you.

199
00:15:05,190 --> 00:15:08,510
Now, here is an easy example. Here we
are.

200
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:12,990
A bird in the hand is worth two in
Shepherd's Bush.

201
00:15:16,090 --> 00:15:20,250
But this one here is a love story.

202
00:15:20,470 --> 00:15:22,760
Shall we see what it means? Let us
decipher it.

203
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,560
Saw. Dear ear.

204
00:15:29,860 --> 00:15:31,780
Dear ear. Ear -ole. Ear -ole.

205
00:15:31,781 --> 00:15:32,979
Oh, yes.

206
00:15:32,980 --> 00:15:35,780
This morning I saw dear -ole John.

207
00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:45,680
Or it could be dear -ole Lou, of course.

208
00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:47,910
We'll stick to John.

209
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:51,800
L -O, son, I said.

210
00:15:59,470 --> 00:16:00,730
and pull a couple of birds.

211
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,360
This'll be ace.

212
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:50,840
At the bush, we saw a couple of birds.

213
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,800
I said, fancy a date?

214
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,700
No way, they said, knickers to you.

215
00:17:16,751 --> 00:17:18,439
is what happened.

216
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,490
Good night.

217
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:36,219
The ladder of life is full of splitters,
but you never realise it till you start

218
00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:37,320
sliding down.

219
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:43,379
Do you know that the only time you're
allowed to spit in a policeman's face is

220
00:17:43,380 --> 00:17:44,640
when his beard's on fire?

221
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:54,199
My brother has slid down it. He's got
the splinters to prove it. Look at his

222
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,250
head.

223
00:17:55,380 --> 00:17:56,430
His head?

224
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,260
Splinters off a policeman's truncheon.

225
00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:03,820
Oh, cos he spat in his face when his
beard wasn't on fire.

226
00:18:06,380 --> 00:18:07,560
He's in prison now.

227
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,240
Bit of a slur on the family name, is it?
Not really.

228
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,440
Family name is Pentonville anyway.

229
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,340
What's he in for?

230
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,200
He was imprisoned for his beliefs.

231
00:18:21,260 --> 00:18:22,420
What beliefs?

232
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,560
He believed in night water with the
sleep.

233
00:18:42,420 --> 00:18:44,900
Yes? Mr. Squills, sir.

234
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,170
Yes, 20 minutes.

235
00:18:52,490 --> 00:18:53,540
Ah, Squills. Yes.

236
00:18:53,541 --> 00:18:57,149
I'll come straight to the point. It was
you, was it not, who organised the

237
00:18:57,150 --> 00:19:01,970
recent tour of the Odingo Dongo
Swampland by the Dagenham Girl Piper?

238
00:19:01,971 --> 00:19:05,669
Thank you very much, sir. No, not thank
you very much, Squills. Well, it was a

239
00:19:05,670 --> 00:19:06,970
howling success, sir. Yes.

240
00:19:07,310 --> 00:19:10,680
Unfortunately, they don't like howling
out here in Zimbotsiwana.

241
00:19:11,530 --> 00:19:13,030
Especially Scottish howling.

242
00:19:13,150 --> 00:19:17,349
Now, all your cultural products have so
far been unsuccessful, haven't they,

243
00:19:17,350 --> 00:19:21,469
Squills? Well, sir, Dolly Parton was a
big hit. Yes, but only because out here

244
00:19:21,470 --> 00:19:22,850
there is a shortage of shade.

245
00:19:25,190 --> 00:19:30,669
The upshot of it is, Squills, that this
embassy and we here have got 24 hours to

246
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:34,309
leave the country. 24 hours, sir? What
about my trailing Ljubljana? Oh, well,

247
00:19:34,310 --> 00:19:35,810
she'll have to follow on later.

248
00:19:36,470 --> 00:19:40,190
As you know, Squills, diplomats travel
first class.

249
00:19:40,530 --> 00:19:43,120
Yes, sir, thank you very much, sir.
Yeah, well, some.

250
00:19:43,370 --> 00:19:45,930
Diplomats. I have my tickets here, you
see.

251
00:19:45,931 --> 00:19:49,409
Five to eight. Oh, very nice early
flight, sir. No, no, no. Those are the

252
00:19:49,410 --> 00:19:52,569
numbers of the seats. Five to eight, you
see. I do have my golf clubs, after

253
00:19:52,570 --> 00:19:56,070
all. Which means, girls, that there's no
room for you in first class.

254
00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:58,909
Oh, don't worry, sir. Second class is
good enough for me.

255
00:19:58,910 --> 00:20:01,140
I'd put it rather stronger than that,
girls.

256
00:20:01,870 --> 00:20:04,640
You mean I'm travelling tourist, sir?
Well, yes and no.

257
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:05,720
Travelling, yes.

258
00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:06,800
Tourist, no.

259
00:20:08,610 --> 00:20:09,810
Bring it in, would you?

260
00:20:09,811 --> 00:20:12,169
Tell me, Squills, do you smoke?

261
00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:14,880
Yes, I do. Yes, I thought you did. You
look a nasty colour.

262
00:20:18,290 --> 00:20:19,670
Ah, yes, thank you very much.

263
00:20:20,450 --> 00:20:22,920
Thank you, Grey, to just put it there,
would you?

264
00:20:23,270 --> 00:20:24,320
Thanks very much.

265
00:20:27,690 --> 00:20:30,090
Now, Squills, this is for you.

266
00:20:30,091 --> 00:20:34,369
Oh, well, this will be absolutely ideal,
sir. I'll get all my stuff in there.

267
00:20:34,370 --> 00:20:36,850
All my... What is this, sir?

268
00:20:37,250 --> 00:20:39,110
Well, you want to sit down, don't you?

269
00:20:39,301 --> 00:20:46,229
Now, look, Squirrels, if there's
anything you're unhappy about, let's

270
00:20:46,230 --> 00:20:49,529
it. Oh, no, sir. No, sir, you've been
more than thoughtful in most ways. I

271
00:20:49,530 --> 00:20:52,810
wondered if, um... What about a window,
sir?

272
00:20:53,010 --> 00:20:55,060
Don't be silly. Who'd want to look at
you?

273
00:20:56,590 --> 00:20:59,420
Air holes, I mean. Now, just watch your
language, please.

274
00:21:00,710 --> 00:21:03,030
Air holes, sir, to breathe, sir. Oh,
breathe.

275
00:21:03,390 --> 00:21:04,440
Must you?

276
00:21:08,110 --> 00:21:12,369
I mean, I could hold my breath, sir.
Good man, good man. Then that way

277
00:21:12,370 --> 00:21:13,630
won't bother you, you see.

278
00:21:13,761 --> 00:21:15,729
Diplomatic baggage.

279
00:21:15,730 --> 00:21:17,969
Yes, leave my secretary out of this,
will you, sir?

280
00:21:17,970 --> 00:21:20,990
Now, something to read upon the journey.
Here we are.

281
00:21:21,410 --> 00:21:25,110
One set of encyclopedias. Oh, gosh, sir,
that'll last me for months.

282
00:21:25,330 --> 00:21:27,920
Yes, well, a sea trip can be very
tedious, can't it?

283
00:21:28,690 --> 00:21:32,830
Oh, I shall be going by sea when I owe
the romance and bustle of the Suez

284
00:21:32,930 --> 00:21:35,100
sir. Yeah, well, around the Cape,
actually.

285
00:21:35,101 --> 00:21:36,429
Which one?

286
00:21:36,430 --> 00:21:39,789
Both. You're going the pretty journey.
Oh, sir, you've been more than

287
00:21:39,790 --> 00:21:42,989
thoughtful. I must thank you for the
consideration you have shared. What is

288
00:21:42,990 --> 00:21:45,290
sign here? I notice this says Umbada.

289
00:21:45,510 --> 00:21:46,710
Is that, what, fragile?

290
00:21:46,950 --> 00:21:48,000
No, that's ice cream.

291
00:21:48,130 --> 00:21:52,100
Ice cream? Yes, well, I can't get you in
a refrigerated ship, otherwise, can I?

292
00:21:52,101 --> 00:21:56,969
I'm pleased you said that, sir, because
I suffer from terrible prickly heat down

293
00:21:56,970 --> 00:21:58,830
there. Down where? Round the Cape, sir.

294
00:21:58,831 --> 00:22:03,759
all that sort of smutty talk, Squills.
Get in there and let's try it and see if

295
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,639
you're comfortable. Yes. Only be very
careful because these wooden crates

296
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:07,690
go on trees, you know.

297
00:22:07,691 --> 00:22:12,059
You have to put your head in. I'm sorry,
you're much too big, Squills. Thank you

298
00:22:12,060 --> 00:22:18,599
very much, sir. Perhaps if I stretch my
legs a little. Yes, always thinking of

299
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:19,559
number one, aren't you?

300
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,510
Well, I wasn't. Now you bring it up. Is
there a toilet or more?

301
00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:27,520
What I mean, Squills, is that you can't
expect to have this all to yourself.

302
00:22:27,950 --> 00:22:29,000
Oh, no, sir. Oh,

303
00:22:29,450 --> 00:22:32,940
that's wonderful, sir. He'll be somebody
to speak to. No, it's not a he,

304
00:22:33,070 --> 00:22:38,249
Squills. Oh, it's not Miss Thaisley of
Cypher, is it? No, it's not Miss

305
00:22:38,250 --> 00:22:40,420
of Cypher. No, I've co -opted Miss
Thaisley.

306
00:22:40,490 --> 00:22:41,930
Twice, if you're interested.

307
00:22:41,931 --> 00:22:46,369
No, I just mean that it's going to be
slightly more of a crush than that. It's

308
00:22:46,370 --> 00:22:48,709
your own fault, Squills. You brought it
on yourself.

309
00:22:48,710 --> 00:22:49,970
You brought them out here.

310
00:22:50,150 --> 00:22:53,340
You all jolly well have to smuggle them
back, won't you? Come on.

311
00:23:23,690 --> 00:23:24,750
We took to the fly.

312
00:23:24,970 --> 00:23:27,230
Step so neat and jump so high.

313
00:23:27,510 --> 00:23:31,490
Kick each other in the eye. Dancing
marionette.

314
00:23:32,390 --> 00:23:34,670
Legs forever tangling.

315
00:23:34,910 --> 00:23:36,490
Jokes we can't resist.

316
00:23:37,190 --> 00:23:39,650
Little arms are dangling.

317
00:23:39,910 --> 00:23:42,190
Fleet of foot and limp of wrist.

318
00:23:42,450 --> 00:23:44,730
Now you know just why we're keen.

319
00:23:44,970 --> 00:23:47,210
Keen to show you what we mean.

320
00:23:47,490 --> 00:23:51,510
Take you through the tap routine of the
dancing marionette.

321
00:24:42,989 --> 00:24:45,790
Thank you.

322
00:24:49,710 --> 00:24:51,110
Thank you.

323
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,050
I did shopping.

324
00:25:02,620 --> 00:25:03,670
Just made.

325
00:27:06,540 --> 00:27:07,590
Got no matches.

326
00:27:07,620 --> 00:27:08,960
Eh? You sure?

327
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:10,330
Of course I'm sure.

328
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:14,720
I could have sworn you've got some.
Check your pockets, see if you've got

329
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,940
I haven't, I tell you. I haven't got any
matches.

330
00:27:18,540 --> 00:27:21,920
Oh, dear. Well, I'll just have to use my
own then.

331
00:27:23,500 --> 00:27:25,360
Dear, that is mean, isn't it, eh?

332
00:27:26,180 --> 00:27:28,960
That's what I call a really stingy,
dirty trick.

333
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,580
Well, that's not as stingy and dirty as
my sister's husband.

334
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,200
Now, he really is stingy and dirty.

335
00:27:35,950 --> 00:27:41,189
He went to stay with my mum for a
fortnight. He arrived with a spare shirt

336
00:27:41,190 --> 00:27:43,770
par note and never changed either.

337
00:27:45,570 --> 00:27:50,589
So and so he was at all. Even when he
won the sweepstake down at the pub. You

338
00:27:50,590 --> 00:27:52,210
don't look very cheerful, I said.

339
00:27:52,490 --> 00:27:57,769
Considering you won the sweep, I said,
no, I'm not, he said. What annoys me is

340
00:27:57,770 --> 00:27:58,990
bought two tickets.

341
00:28:09,419 --> 00:28:13,140
Tonight, I have had a special request
from a lady in Bromley.

342
00:28:14,140 --> 00:28:16,670
So I want to be away a bit earlier, if
you don't mind.

343
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,780
But before I go, I have got something
very exciting to show you.

344
00:28:21,781 --> 00:28:26,199
Just to fill you in a bit on the
background about this, I was chatting to

345
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:33,139
producer the other day after one of our
weekly rugger matches, and I forgot

346
00:28:33,140 --> 00:28:37,620
to tell you, I was recently elected
captain of the BBC rugby team.

347
00:28:41,900 --> 00:28:45,580
I won't pretend. I won't pretend. I
won't pretend we're a great side, you

348
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,470
Last week we lost at home to the
Beverley sisters.

349
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:54,579
I was never much good at athletics, to
be honest. I was once lapped in the long

350
00:28:54,580 --> 00:28:55,630
jump.

351
00:28:56,460 --> 00:28:57,510
Anyway,

352
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:03,459
after the match, the producer came up to
me, you see, in the showers, to

353
00:29:03,460 --> 00:29:04,820
compliment me on my tackle.

354
00:29:14,830 --> 00:29:17,190
me a playful wink with his frosted glass
eye.

355
00:29:19,010 --> 00:29:20,530
He's a bit of an introvert.

356
00:29:21,410 --> 00:29:22,850
Ronniekin's lovely, he said.

357
00:29:22,910 --> 00:29:23,960
Ronniekin.

358
00:29:23,990 --> 00:29:27,869
To be honest, he's been a bit on edge
just lately, ever since he heard there

359
00:29:27,870 --> 00:29:31,130
a big strapping convict on the loose in
his part of London.

360
00:29:31,131 --> 00:29:35,049
And he took it all very seriously and
had his front door fitted with a daisy

361
00:29:35,050 --> 00:29:36,100
chain.

362
00:29:38,759 --> 00:29:43,079
He said, I just thought you'd like to
know that the BBC have finally agreed to

363
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:44,740
give you a new set on the show.

364
00:29:44,741 --> 00:29:46,139
Lovely, he said.

365
00:29:46,140 --> 00:29:50,319
I must say, it did cheer up my wife,
Anne, when I told her, because she was,

366
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:53,599
know, feeling a bit low at the time. The
night before, to be honest, we'd held a

367
00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:58,219
dinner party, which was slightly marred
when my Auntie Ethel shot herself during

368
00:29:58,220 --> 00:29:59,420
a game of Happy Families.

369
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:03,530
I was actually heartbroken, I can tell
you.

370
00:30:04,020 --> 00:30:06,860
I only wanted Mr Snip the Vasectomist
for a full set.

371
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:17,679
Anyway, the top and bottom of it is that
the

372
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:21,879
BBC's top scenery designers have been
working right into the early hours of

373
00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:27,919
afternoon to come up with a swish new
setting for my chat spot, and this is

374
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:28,970
result.

375
00:30:29,620 --> 00:30:32,640
A brand new Ronnie Corbett set, that is.

376
00:30:33,100 --> 00:30:34,420
Are you impressed?

377
00:30:34,421 --> 00:30:37,369
Now, I know what you're thinking. You
know what you're thinking. Isn't that a

378
00:30:37,370 --> 00:30:39,429
bit small even for him? I know you're
thinking that.

379
00:30:39,430 --> 00:30:41,290
This is not the actual set, obviously.

380
00:30:41,330 --> 00:30:42,650
I mean, this is just a model.

381
00:30:42,651 --> 00:30:46,189
My goodness, even the BBC aren't stupid.
You know, they wouldn't think that I

382
00:30:46,190 --> 00:30:49,020
could work in something actually this
size, obviously.

383
00:30:49,770 --> 00:30:53,320
I mean, that would be quite silly. You
know, because if you imagine that.

384
00:30:54,190 --> 00:31:00,870
I... Excuse me a minute.

385
00:31:08,170 --> 00:31:09,850
for long. I've got some people here.

386
00:31:11,250 --> 00:31:14,910
All right. All right. Thank you. All
right. So much for that.

387
00:31:15,570 --> 00:31:16,620
Another dream gone.

388
00:31:16,670 --> 00:31:21,330
Anyway, actually, to be honest, I think
I'll cover it up, you know.

389
00:31:22,050 --> 00:31:25,929
Actually, to be honest, I don't know
why. I'll just leave it there, a bit of

390
00:31:25,930 --> 00:31:26,980
company.

391
00:31:27,150 --> 00:31:28,890
Not much company, but some company.

392
00:31:29,070 --> 00:31:35,169
Actually, to be honest, that is, that's
not so very different from the house I

393
00:31:35,170 --> 00:31:36,790
lived in when I first got married.

394
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:41,030
You know, it was so small that when we
left, they demolished it with a conker.

395
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:47,599
But I digress. Now, on to tonight's
story, and it is a true story which

396
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:52,139
a great classical violinist, Yehudi
Menuhin, who one night arrives for a

397
00:31:52,140 --> 00:31:58,879
at the Royal Festival Hall, Bingley,
and... It's not the greatest venue in

398
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,439
world, but let's be honest, live
entertainment is becoming a thing of the

399
00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:05,420
these days. I mean, even as I speak,
there are plans before the GLT.

400
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:08,970
to pull down Bernard Manning and build
an amusement centre.

401
00:32:10,300 --> 00:32:14,879
And I know what it's like to get lumber
with some very dodgy bookings. I mean, I

402
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:19,419
shall... Well, I've never got over that
last Far Eastern tour I did a few years

403
00:32:19,420 --> 00:32:21,600
back when I went to Polynesia.

404
00:32:21,940 --> 00:32:26,779
I was appearing under my pigeon English
name, you know, Shortfellow Belong

405
00:32:26,780 --> 00:32:27,830
Knackersyard.

406
00:32:28,631 --> 00:32:30,699
And I...

407
00:32:30,700 --> 00:32:33,699
I well remember the night I was booked
to perform in front of a tribe of

408
00:32:33,700 --> 00:32:37,119
cannibals. The manager showed me to my
dressing room and I saw it had three

409
00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:38,580
stars on the door.

410
00:32:38,581 --> 00:32:41,899
I said, does this mean I'm top of the
bill? He said, no, it means you'll keep

411
00:32:41,900 --> 00:32:44,130
for two months in a frozen food
compartment.

412
00:32:45,260 --> 00:32:46,660
Anyway, there is Mr.

413
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:51,659
Menuhin just getting ready for his big
concert. The entire London Philharmonic

414
00:32:51,660 --> 00:32:53,220
Orchestra are up there on stage.

415
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:58,140
And as they strike in, the intro, out
walks the great maestro onto the stage,

416
00:32:58,180 --> 00:32:59,380
you know, to take his bow.

417
00:32:59,381 --> 00:33:00,539
And as he...

418
00:33:00,540 --> 00:33:02,299
Actually, he didn't walk quite as fast
as that.

419
00:33:02,300 --> 00:33:05,520
I, you know, he walked more sort of
slowly.

420
00:33:05,521 --> 00:33:09,879
I just walked fast like that just to
sort of save time, you know.

421
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:13,490
No, what I mean, no, if I'd walked, you
know, if I'd walked really slowly.

422
00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:16,610
Well,

423
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:20,999
well, honestly, if I walked really
slowly like that, you know, we'd have

424
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:22,050
here all night.

425
00:33:22,051 --> 00:33:25,659
So I walked fast, just, you know, just
so as not to slow up the action.

426
00:33:25,660 --> 00:33:28,049
Anyway. I don't know why I'm telling you
all that, but I think it is what I'm

427
00:33:28,050 --> 00:33:32,410
saying. As he walked onto the stage, the
audience rose as one man.

428
00:33:33,370 --> 00:33:35,480
Let's be honest, the audience was one
man.

429
00:33:35,930 --> 00:33:39,849
To his utter horror and dismay, Mr.
Menuhin looked across the footlights and

430
00:33:39,850 --> 00:33:43,529
sees that the entire theatre is empty
except for this one podgy little man in

431
00:33:43,530 --> 00:33:46,909
flat cap and bicycle clips, sitting at
the back of the row, eating a bag of

432
00:33:46,910 --> 00:33:49,150
chips and rolling himself a black
pudding.

433
00:33:50,610 --> 00:33:52,610
Mr. Menuhin is absolutely speechless.

434
00:33:53,090 --> 00:33:55,110
I am absolutely speechless, he said.

435
00:33:55,111 --> 00:33:57,399
I told you he was absolutely speechless.

436
00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:00,339
I cannot possibly, he said, give a
recital under these circumstances.

437
00:34:00,340 --> 00:34:04,199
I'm afraid the concert is off. To which
the chap pipes up. Oh, no, you don't, he

438
00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:07,090
says. I'm not budging, he said, till
you've done your turn.

439
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:09,659
He said, get a piggy and move on, he
said.

440
00:34:10,620 --> 00:34:13,030
No, you're wrong. It wasn't Richard
Baker. No, no.

441
00:34:13,639 --> 00:34:15,179
Well, again, Mr.

442
00:34:15,180 --> 00:34:18,999
Menuhin is adamant. I am adamant, he
said. There you are. I told you he was

443
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:20,050
adamant.

444
00:34:20,540 --> 00:34:24,150
I must reiterate that I cannot perform
to an audience of one man. The chap

445
00:34:24,151 --> 00:34:27,539
all right. He says, all right. He says,
I'll tell you what I'll do. He says,

446
00:34:27,540 --> 00:34:29,840
just sing us one song and then I'll go.

447
00:34:31,300 --> 00:34:32,699
This is the final insult.

448
00:34:32,700 --> 00:34:36,379
But by this time, Mr. Menuhin is so
desperate to get rid of him, he'll do

449
00:34:36,380 --> 00:34:39,419
anything. So he swallows his pride and
proceeds to give a rather feeble

450
00:34:39,420 --> 00:34:40,470
rendition of...

451
00:34:40,699 --> 00:34:43,049
The only song he knows. Show me the way
to go home.

452
00:34:43,050 --> 00:34:46,379
When he's finally finished, the chap
gets out of his chair and looks up and

453
00:34:46,380 --> 00:34:50,099
says, well, he said, if that's the way
you sing, he says, no wonder the bloody

454
00:34:50,100 --> 00:34:51,150
place is empty.

455
00:35:12,340 --> 00:35:14,680
Sadly, good do, isn't it? Mm, lovely.

456
00:35:15,060 --> 00:35:17,100
Who did the food? Did his sister do it?

457
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:18,400
He hasn't got a sister.

458
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:20,180
Who's she ever done?

459
00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:24,480
Oh, that was her sister. Oh, poor thing.

460
00:35:25,660 --> 00:35:28,040
Well, he seems to be enjoying it.

461
00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:34,239
If you were asked to pick out the
bereaved husband, you'd hardly pick him,

462
00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:35,420
you? He's not sorry.

463
00:35:35,421 --> 00:35:38,879
He was glad to see the back of her.
Well, he was certainly never very

464
00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:39,930
with the front of her.

465
00:35:44,380 --> 00:35:49,059
Oh, hello, Harold Sandwich. No, thank
you, Jim. I simply wanted to express my

466
00:35:49,060 --> 00:35:52,239
condolences. Oh, don't bother, Harold.
I'm not going to miss her.

467
00:35:52,240 --> 00:35:54,100
I couldn't have stood much more of her.

468
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:55,380
Well, I knew that.

469
00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:58,760
Everybody guessed it, but I knew it.
What?

470
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:03,260
Well, you know, being psychic, you know.
Oh, yes, of course, yes.

471
00:36:04,700 --> 00:36:07,110
Somebody's dropped a vol -au -vent on
the floor.

472
00:36:08,300 --> 00:36:09,350
It's a maze.

473
00:36:09,351 --> 00:36:11,879
And you know that just because you're
cycling?

474
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:13,160
No, no, I'm standing in it.

475
00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:20,439
At least it's not the front room carpet.
Jennifer was terrible about that. Her

476
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:21,939
mother bought it for her, you see.

477
00:36:21,940 --> 00:36:24,140
Great big ugly blotchy purple thing.

478
00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:25,570
Her mother?

479
00:36:25,980 --> 00:36:27,030
Absolutely.

480
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:28,300
It was her mother.

481
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:31,030
who instituted the blackboard in the
kitchen.

482
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:33,970
Jennifer used to write the orders of the
day on it in chalk.

483
00:36:34,100 --> 00:36:38,139
Things she wanted me to do, or messages
if we weren't speaking. That sort of

484
00:36:38,140 --> 00:36:41,750
stuff. Big ugly black thing hanging
there. Spoilt the look of the kitchen.

485
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:45,700
Still, you're free of her now. Go as you
wish, do as you please.

486
00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:49,960
You didn't kill her yourself by any
chance, did you? Of course I didn't.

487
00:36:49,961 --> 00:36:54,019
Being psychic, you should know that. Oh,
we don't know everything.

488
00:36:54,020 --> 00:36:57,079
Otherwise, I wouldn't, for instance,
have to ask you where your lavatory is

489
00:36:57,080 --> 00:37:00,560
I need it, which I do now. Oh, sorry.
There's stuff for you there, on the

490
00:37:01,500 --> 00:37:02,550
Hello and good luck.

491
00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:38,780
I've had enough of you, Jennifer.

492
00:38:39,180 --> 00:38:41,170
I'm not going to let you rule me
anymore.

493
00:38:43,140 --> 00:38:44,220
I'm finished with you.

494
00:38:49,220 --> 00:38:53,560
Oh, yes, I have, Jennifer.

495
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:55,700
You and your rotten mother.

496
00:38:57,020 --> 00:38:58,070
Hello, Harold.

497
00:38:58,280 --> 00:38:59,330
Jim.

498
00:38:59,380 --> 00:39:01,180
Listen, can I see you down at the pub?

499
00:39:01,660 --> 00:39:02,710
It's urgent.

500
00:39:02,711 --> 00:39:06,189
Yes, I know you've just got in, but
you'll have to come out again, won't

501
00:39:06,190 --> 00:39:07,630
Well, something's happened.

502
00:39:07,631 --> 00:39:11,049
No, I couldn't tell you at the funeral
because it hadn't happened at the

503
00:39:11,050 --> 00:39:12,100
funeral.

504
00:39:12,170 --> 00:39:13,550
Right. Five minutes?

505
00:39:14,010 --> 00:39:15,090
Okay. Bye.

506
00:39:22,970 --> 00:39:24,020
Oh,

507
00:39:28,370 --> 00:39:31,020
no, I'm not, but I will be shortly. I'm
going to the pub.

508
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:39,330
the nuts.

509
00:39:39,660 --> 00:39:43,090
Did you ask for nuts? No, but I just had
a feeling you would bring some.

510
00:39:43,140 --> 00:39:45,670
Oh, it was a psychic feeling? No, a
greedy feeling.

511
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:49,570
Well,

512
00:39:50,660 --> 00:39:52,100
what am I going to do, Harold?

513
00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:55,200
Have you heard of the astral body?

514
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:58,210
Like the psychical research of that,
isn't it?

515
00:39:58,360 --> 00:40:02,699
No, no, no, no. The astral body is what
some people believe rises from your real

516
00:40:02,700 --> 00:40:05,739
body while you're asleep and floats
about. You know, have you ever had that

517
00:40:05,740 --> 00:40:07,240
feeling in dreams that you're...

518
00:40:07,241 --> 00:40:10,979
floating above yourself, and your real
self is down below, looking up at

519
00:40:10,980 --> 00:40:13,719
yourself, looking down at yourself. Have
you ever had that feeling?

520
00:40:13,720 --> 00:40:16,600
Yes, I think I have. Well, that is the
astral body.

521
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:18,400
Either that or it's a drink.

522
00:40:19,820 --> 00:40:24,060
So you mean... I mean that Jennifer's
astral body is rising from the grave,

523
00:40:24,220 --> 00:40:28,379
floating about your kitchen, and
throwing things at you. I mean, she has,

524
00:40:28,380 --> 00:40:29,760
fact, become a poltergeist.

525
00:40:29,761 --> 00:40:33,759
What am I going to do about it? Stay out
of the kitchen.

526
00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:36,230
She'll eventually run out of crockery.
And then?

527
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:37,940
Then she'll start in the bedroom.

528
00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:42,800
You'll just have to hope, eventually,
she becomes tired of it.

529
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:44,680
Not Jennifer. She's relentless.

530
00:40:45,380 --> 00:40:49,719
Well, then, unless you can stop her
astral body rising from the grave, I'm

531
00:40:49,720 --> 00:40:50,920
afraid you're lumbered.

532
00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:54,370
You have to buy a tin helmet and don't
bend over in the bath.

533
00:41:56,839 --> 00:41:58,660
There. Get out of that, you old bat.

534
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:00,740
And don't give a hoot.

535
00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:02,970
Well,

536
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:04,760
you can please yourself.

537
00:43:26,350 --> 00:43:27,400
What's that?

538
00:43:31,830 --> 00:43:34,310
Oh, bonfire, right, of course.

539
00:43:35,790 --> 00:43:36,840
Bonfire.

540
00:43:37,190 --> 00:43:39,190
God, supposing somebody...

541
00:44:07,950 --> 00:44:09,000
Thank you.

542
00:45:13,921 --> 00:45:19,329
I finally got out of there and I
thought, what a good idea.

543
00:45:19,330 --> 00:45:22,070
So I had the body exhumed and cremated.

544
00:45:22,610 --> 00:45:26,070
As it worked, like a job. Guess what I
did with the ashes?

545
00:45:26,071 --> 00:45:29,769
Sprinkled them all over the front room
carpet. How do you know that? I'm

546
00:45:29,770 --> 00:45:30,820
psychic, remember?

547
00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:06,950
That seems to be just about all we've
got time for, doesn't it, Ron? Yes.

548
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:14,299
Yes, sadly it does. But before we go, a
few late items of news. A thief in a

549
00:46:14,300 --> 00:46:19,339
Croydon supermarket was thwarted today
by assistant Miss Teresa Quilp, who

550
00:46:19,340 --> 00:46:21,020
attacked him with a labelling gun.

551
00:46:21,460 --> 00:46:24,230
Police are now looking for a man with a
price on his head.

552
00:46:26,280 --> 00:46:27,760
We have just heard...

553
00:46:27,980 --> 00:46:32,939
that in a bid to keep their forthcoming
marriage secret, two British rail

554
00:46:32,940 --> 00:46:36,310
employees had it announced over the
speakers at Victoria Station.

555
00:46:39,620 --> 00:46:43,439
The vicar of St Gargles, Plumstead,
announced today that he'd had so many

556
00:46:43,440 --> 00:46:46,979
potatoes in his collection for the
church roofing fund that he's got a

557
00:46:46,980 --> 00:46:48,030
builder to do the job.

558
00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:54,900
Mr Herbert Flagg... Britain's leading
masochist was buried today. As

559
00:46:55,100 --> 00:46:57,040
his last wishes were totally ignored.

560
00:47:00,820 --> 00:47:04,999
And the patient who received this year's
biggest organ transplant has been

561
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:06,440
awarded the Wurlitzer Prize.

562
00:47:10,180 --> 00:47:14,759
In next week's programme, I shall be
talking to the man whose bathroom is so

563
00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:17,460
cold his rubber ducks fly south for the
winter.

564
00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:20,820
And a final newsflash.

565
00:47:20,821 --> 00:47:24,799
there was a double celebration yesterday
at the home of Mr Ebenezer Scroggins of

566
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:29,379
Winchester. Not only did he reach the
grand age of 100, but he also got

567
00:47:29,380 --> 00:47:30,520
for the very first time.

568
00:47:30,980 --> 00:47:34,350
The Queen sent him a telegram, and
Prince Philip sent him a diagram.

569
00:47:37,720 --> 00:47:39,520
Until then, it's goodnight from me.

570
00:47:39,521 --> 00:47:41,249
And it's a very goodnight from him.
Goodnight.

571
00:47:41,250 --> 00:47:45,800
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